Scroungers! Bleedin' scrounger dole scum bastards! Taking all of OUR money out of our POCKETS and putting it into THEIR POCKETS. SCUM. But thankfully, decent hard working citizens can rejoice, as ex-used car dealer Dominic Littlewood is here with half an hour of publicly funded prime-time television to put the work-shy bastards back in their place. PRISON.
Saints and Scroungers follows the DWP investigators who track down benefit fraudsters. Acting upon information given by anonymous informers (grasses) they set out to catch those THEIVING BASTARDS who think somehow they have a right to live off the toil of hard working LOWER-MIDDLE-CLASS people.
The DWP investigators are on the trail of Robert Murt, a recipient of some £99,000 of disability living allowance over the last ten years or so. They tell us they have access to 'intelligence' about Mr Murt (they're like real spies in MI5!) that leads them to believe he's a cheating bastard. We see secret video of Mert running around playing a game of football, despite stating on his claim form that he had no legs. We hear from a doctor who tells us how if one really was suffering from the various ills Murt had claimed to possess, then they'd spend their days in painful agony, festering in a pile of their own piss and shit, unable to so much as clean up after themselves, let alone run a successful delivery company in the north of England. We learn that Murt is THE DEVIL. Murt is a CANCER on our society.
Of course a programme with the title 'Saints and Scroungers' will need a 'saint' to counter the evil 'scrounger' Robert Murt, and that saint is lovely 87 year old Queenie Maxwell. She bought her London flat in the early 1980s and it had no heating. Her late husband had always been against taking so much as a penny off the state, and didn't much care for central heating either, but now he's dead she's getting her flat done up on the social. This is good news, those lovely old people who lived through a booming economy of post-war reconstruction, full employment and cheap house prices have suffered enough. With the help of Littlewood, Queenie has managed to blag herself two grand of new boiler, double glazing and wall insulation. She's also had her pension bumped up. Fuck yeah.
Back to the north and Murt is having his day in court, after viewing the DWPs evidence the judge declares him and 'fucking cheeky cunt' and sends him to prison for 18 months. He also decides Murt has to pay back the hundred grand he stole from Queenie Maxwell. The DWP investigator is pleased with us, that's 100k back to us honest taxpayers. Woo!
How Robert Murt will find this money to pay us back isn't really explained, especially when he's just found himself with a criminal record and is nearing retirement age anyway. But of course it isn't at all patronising for the TV to tell us we're getting this money back. Because of course we are, erm... somehow. Maybe Murt'll pay back 50p a week for the next 3,800 years? This will happen because we all know that bastards like Murt NEVER DIE.
The media likes making examples out of idiots. On the day American special forces in Afghanistan blew up the hostage they were supposed to be rescuing, we're given our very own special hate figure in Robert Murt. If there was no-one like him in the world then we'd probably all be friends and not hate each other so much and know our next-door neighbours first names. Maybe there wouldn't be any suffering at all?
Remember that woman who took her kids to Raoul Moat's funeral because it was better than Legoland? (How could a media circus with TV cameras, satellite trucks and Kay Burley, plus a ton of police and helicopters and bright shiny things possibly be more exciting than a four hour drive to an over-priced theme park?) Please ignore a government you never voted for cutting everything in sight and get angry about this instead. Raoul Moat funeral mum is at worst a complete idiot, but more likely just a bit mentally ill, so the best thing to do is rather than ignore her and let her quietly make her own mistakes, we should put her picture all over the papers and turn her into a public hate figure. Hey, she was on benefits too! The bastard. Anyway, she's famous now and her kids probably get bullied at school. Feel better about yourself.
michael dixon
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